A Definitive and Certain Look at the Future of Boeing

Shut your pie holes and crack open your earholes, degens, weed lovers, and occupants of the famed dumpster out back, because I’ve been staring at charts as wide as your mother and I’ve figured out exactly where Boeing goes from here.

It required a diligent search, but after weeks of mind-numbing, soul-crushing toil, it finally clicked with me. We already know where Boeing is going. Why?

Because we’ve seen it before.

Here, with an adjusted accuracy rating of a billion four, IV of 420%, bid of 0.28 and ask of 84.53, is what will happen to Boeing in the next five years:

(Credit for this post should go to u/ForYeWhoArtLiterate, u/Nduguu77, and u/Tmans3, all of whom contributed to the original hysterical list of the antics of Antonio Brown, widely regarded as one of the brightest moments in the rich annals of the history of Reddit. Mr. Big Chest will never die.)

• BA representatives will be kicked out of a meeting with representatives of the Federal Reserve after fighting a security guard

•⁠ CEO will declare "Don't touch me. I'm the stock exchange"

• CFO will take a personal stretch limo to a charity event, have them open every single expensive bottle of wine, and reject it. Will refuse to pay for it (charity, remember), then leave

• ⁠The engineering department will throw fits over not getting enough equity

• ⁠Members of the R&D Department will drive 100 down McKnight Road in Pittsburgh, which has a 45 MPH speed limit

• ⁠A safety engineering division will trash a condo and throw furniture out a 14th floor window, which will almost hit some people, notably a child

• ⁠Janitor will kill a home aquarium full of piranhas and accounting will refuse to pay the man who installed the tank

• ⁠Will refuse to submit earnings report each quarter for the next three years

• ⁠Will dye every mustache on the payroll’s mustaches blonde

• ⁠An analytics team will refuse to pay a chef because they thought he threatened them by placing a fish head in the freezer (the fish head was saved to make a soup)

• ⁠CTO will fart on a doctor

• ⁠CEO will demand a trade from the NYSE

• ⁠CFO will start calling themselves "Mr. Big Chest"

• ⁠A mid-level procurement analyst will throw a fit over Intel winning Nasdaq MVP and will trash them on social media

• ⁠(Allegedly) nix a trade that would've sent Boeing to TSX

• ⁠Random engineering department will show up to NYSE training camp in a hot air balloon

• ⁠Same engineering department will hold out and refuse to show up to NYSE training camp because the NYSE would not approve their blueprints because the dirigibles relied on 1800’s technology

• ⁠COO will freeze his feet

• Same engineering department will try to paint over their old designs and pass them off as new ones, hoping no one would notice I guess

• ⁠Same engineering department will acquire a newer version of the same model of blueprint, which the NYSE refused to let them use before

• Same engineering department will finally pick a new project and show up to NYSE training camp

• Same engineering department will get fined by NYSE for not attending camp

• ⁠Same engineering department will tweet the fines

• ⁠Head of accounting will try to fight JPow and call him a cracker. He will have to be held back by the CEO, and then will punt a dirigible down the conference room and shout "fine me for that"

• ⁠Will get fined for that

• CFO will release a video where he used audio of Patrick Gelsinger, who didn't know he was being recorded, which is illegal in California (full disclosure, Gelsinger has said he gave permission, but the generally accepted theory is that he said that in the hope that it would help get him to show up to the facility and not alienate him)

• ⁠CEO will demand a release from the NYSE

• ⁠Will get released

• ⁠"GRANDMA I’M FREEEEEE! FLY LIKE A FREEEEE!"

• ⁠CEO will make a lot of crazy tweets saying stuff like 'Devil is a lie', a proverb about burning down a village… he’ll make a lot of crazy tweets around this time is the point here

• ⁠CEO will like a tweet about a political figure getting raped in the ass

• ⁠Company will sign with the LSE

• ⁠Entire company will move in with Bob Wigley

• ⁠Sexual assault allegations come out (the ones where they get sued)

• ⁠Other sexual harassment allegations come out (the ones where they don’t get sued)

• ⁠The board will threaten a woman not suing the company in a group text that included their lawyer and had a picture of her kids in the text

• Will be released by the LSE after one week

• Various departments will go off on a tweet storm and say a lot of crazy shit about a lot of people, and will be supportive of people sending threats to the writer of an article detailing the sexual harassment allegations

• CEO will announce Boeing is “done” with the LSE

• Entire engineering department will go back to college via online classes

• Will try to outsource their homework to Twitter

• CEO will announce Boeing wants to come back to the NYSE

• Will file several grievances to try and get more than $40 million from the NYSE and LSE

• The safety engineering division will be ordered to show up for a deposition regarding trashing the condo

• They will be accused of "reprehensible behavior" during the deposition (which is it's own insane thread, btw), which will include, but will not be limited to:

—⁠"Arrived nearly 30 minutes late to the deposition."

—⁠“Group chanted, over and over, as if a mantra, a narrative of their own warped concept of the proceeding”.

—⁠“Acting as if they were above the rule of law, [the safety engineering division] proceeded to make a mockery of the deposition process. [The safety engineering division’s] antics were so unreasonable that barely twenty [20] minutes into the deposition, their counsel asked for a break [so] he could speak with them about their demeanor.

—⁠“After approximately 20-30 minutes, [the safety engineering division] required another break. When the deposition resumed they increased their level of obstructive behavior. At one point, [the safety engineering division] refused to answer any questions, instead saying “next question” in perfect unison no less than 10 times.”

—⁠“Soon thereafter, [the safety engineering division] started announcing a countdown, starting at ‘five (5) minutes,’ and counting down the minutes thereafter. Before noon [the safety engineering division] left the conference room.”

• The CEO will tweet that the NYSE has to pay him anyway, so they might as well let them trade

• Will continue with a couple of bizarre tweets about Intel using Boeing for HBO ratings and the NYSE trying to steal his stuff, and will keep using this weird chicken based metaphor

• Will try out for the TSX and will bring an entourage and film crew to shoot a music video with them when specifically told not to do that

• ⁠CFO will call out a famous politician for his rub and tug massage session forever ago

• ⁠CTO will start training for a boxing match with Logan Paul

• ⁠Director of Marketing will tweet "No more white woman 2020"

• ⁠The attorney representing the the safety engineering division in the suit involving the condo will quit

• ⁠CEO will use a bunch of slurs and profane language towards cops in an Instagram video he will post

• ⁠A police youth football league will cut ties with Boeing and return a donation after the release of the video saying there was an "irreparable rift" between the department and BA

• CEO will throw a bag of gummy candy dicks at cops in a separate video he posted

• ⁠Marketing department will get dropped by their agent

• Head of accounting will be involved in a dispute with movers at his home where he allegedly threw rocks at the movers and moving vans. He will be investigated for battery by the police

• ⁠Head of accounting’s personal trainer will be arrested as a suspect in the battery case

• ⁠Warrant will be issued for the arrest of head of accounting

• ⁠Head of accounting will turn himself in to Broward County Jail wearing a flamboyant teal suit

• ⁠Rumors will spread about Boeing signing with Euronext or Nasdaq

• Boeing will announce retirement from “public company-ing” (for what I believe is the third time, it's hard to find a good record of the rest of them)

• ⁠Two days later Boeing will want to trade again and will request that the NYSE wrap up its investigation

• ⁠The NYSE will announce an eight week suspension for Boeing

• Boeing will sign with the TSX on a one-year deal

• ⁠Before BA signs with the TSX, the CTO will be accused of destroying a surveillance camera at a Florida gated community and throwing a bike at a security-guard shack, but will not be charged because HOA president "feared" retaliation, per police report

• CTO is under investigation by the SEC for the bike throwing incident

• ⁠COO will allegedly acquire a fake COVID-19 card

• COO will be confirmed to have acquired a fake COVID-19 card and subsequently suspended for three weeks

• The safety engineering division will remove their clothes in tandem and throw them into the audience during an exhibition of Boeing’s next product line against competitors from the Nasdaq

• The safety engineering division will be subsequently cut from the TSX for stripping on the field. The rest of Boeing will continue to trade in good standing as a special insult to the NYSE, trading under the new ticker BAWL

TLDR: BULLISH

Positions: Reverse cowgirl laid back in an armchair, and $4k in anything but BA because I hate money.