How To Play the Alien Invasion of October

Hey guys. I know it’s a heavy topic we have to deal with today, and I know it’s Saturday which is when everyone is off doing their most important work of the week, but I couldn’t leave my fellow well-regarded degenerates out in the cold.

The top analysts at the world’s foremost center for NHI analysis and behavioral study, r/aliens, predict that at the end of this month, a 70-year-old contract between the US and the dominant species of NHI visiting Earth will expire. Given the extreme importance of such a global event and its wide-ranging implications for the future of humanity as a species, I feel it’s important that we all come together and attempt to hammer out the best strategy for how to play this on the stock market now, before the proverbial feces hits Cramer’s wildly panning cameras.

Here’s the sauce (one of many), for anyone who still believes anything as mundane as ‘details’ still matter in this late hour of humanity’s brief history:
https://www.reddit.com/r/aliens/s/5n8JJNN2CX

To get the ball rolling, I have a few ideas:

Firstly, I would go long on WMT. Remember when COVID hit and everybody started eating toilet paper? Yeah, double that. Paper towels too. Very bullish on WMT during invasion.

Secondly, I would short insurance—UNLESS it comes out that every CEO of every insurance company on Earth is already an alien. Which, actually, we already know they are. So go long insurance, because that’s the winning team. I have always loved insurance and I just want to take a moment to say publicly that I did not teach my children that most of it is a scam.

Thirfthly, strongly consider a full port into UVXY, because the VIX is going to Hulk dick as high and as hard as….. uh, as Hulk’s dick. (I can’t afford a ghost writer.) Unless alien invasion is already priced in, which is likely at this time of year. Your call.

Interested to see other thoughts and potential plays. It also occurred to me to start going to superstores and asking for all their discarded boxes, just in case cardboard is gold to the aliens. Seems like a good hedge.

(/s, in case any sweet regards are getting whooooshed)